Vampires and Werewolves and Zombies, Oh My!

Last night I was watching the MTV Kids Choice Movie Awards. I say "Kids Choice" because that is clearly who votes for this award show. Only in the Twilight frenzied minds of ignorant preteens should Kristen Stewart win an award for Best Female Performer over Sandra Bullock, who by the way won a Golden Globe, SAG and Oscar for "The Blind Side." And can someone explain to me how "Twilight: New Moon" wins Best Picture over the highest grossing movie of all time, "Avatar"?


This obsession with Vampires in general, Twilight in particular, is out of control. Hollywood can be blamed to an extent, but they are only doing what every other industry does when something becomes popular, exploit the hell out of it. Movies (Twilight Saga, Underworld, The Vampire's Apprentice), television (True Blood, The Vampire Dairies), books (again, Twilight Saga, The Vampire's Apprentice, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter), you can't escape vampires.


And of course werewolves come with vampires, right? Underworld and Twilight both focus on vampires and werewolves attempting to prove which is the better species. Sadly, Twilight has a love story involved. However, I was told an interesting way to look at the love story:


Twilight is about a young girl who is trying to chose between bestiality or necrophilia.


There is a ton of things I don't get about Twilight. Team Edward. Team Jacob. Who cares? Personally, I'm on Team Zombie, but I'll get to that in a second. And what is with the sparkling in the sunlight crap? Vampires burn to a crisp in sunlight. You know who else sparkles? Tinkerbell! Having a vampire who sparkles in sunlight is like having zombies who just want a hug. It's degrading to the readers and viewers.




As for Zombies, lets face it, they are having their "day in the sun," as well these days. And like Vampires, there is a boat load of media surrounding them. Everything from movies (Zombieland, Resident Evil: Afterlife, Survival of the Dead), video games (Left for Dead series, Resident Evil series, Dead Rising series) and books (World War Z, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies [also being made into a movie]) are being made about them. They, too, are everywhere.

It's only a matter of time before some Hollywood producer okays a movie that has vampires trying to survive a zombie apocalypse. But here is where I have to go with Team Zombie. Vampires would not stand a chance during a zombie uprising. For starters, they can't feed on zombies since they are dead, blood not flowing or most likely coagulated. They share the same food source, but with as fast a zombies plague can spread the human food supply would quickly run out. Sure, vampires are undead as well, which means the zombies won't eat them, but after some time, the vampires would begin to starve. And what happens if a zombie does bit a vampire? After the vampire starves to death, he comes back a zombie. It's a no win situation for the vampire. His best bet would be to walk out into the sun and burn to death....but instead he just sparkles.